Teresa

Growing up as a cradle Catholic, the church was cultural and routine for me. As a kid, I never questioned why we had to attend Mass or catechism class. It was just ingrained into me as necessary, like school. Receiving the sacraments of First Holy Communion and Confirmation were key milestones akin to PSLE and O-Levels. But as a teenager, I was more preoccupied with meeting friends and boys in church than praying itself. I did not fully grasp the true meaning of the Eucharist nor the fullness of my faith.  

Somewhere in my 20s, I fell away from the church; Mass and the sacraments lost their importance to me. My time was consumed with university life, starting a career, pursuing fun and all the worldly pleasures. Oddly, I proudly held the identity that I was a “Catholic who did not go to church”, as though it was unfashionable to be religious. 

I turned to God momentarily when my father was diagnosed with a rare cancer with a poor prognosis, and because it was so rare, there was no clear treatment available. There was nothing much else I could do. The most difficult part was seeing him go through all the pain. I cannot imagine just how physically painful it was, the mental torment and emotional anguish he felt. There were a few times when he tried to end his life, and I had to restrain him. It was a trying time. 

After he passed a year later, I turned away from God again. While I believed in eternal life cognitively, at times I still felt angry and confused that all the prayers for healing did not “work”. Often, I spiralled into depression and anxiety. I quit and took several long career breaks in between jobs. The breaks were necessary for my mental health, but I did not always spend my fun-employment days wisely. I was lost in revelry, often drunk and entangled in reckless relationships. Needless to say, I was directionless, but still did not feel ready to give up my hedonistic lifestyle. 

However, in the years that I stopped going to church, I still made it a point to attend the “big” masses. Except for one year, due to poor choices, I was out drunk and crying in the streets and missed Christmas mass totally for the first time in my life. The aftermath of disappointment from family and friends was difficult to bear. It did, however, spur me on to make a bigger effort, and when I attended Christmas mass the following year, the priest spoke about welcoming back Catholics who had left the church. It felt like he was speaking directly to me. 

It took several missteps and close calls before I was pushed to walk the straight path. Chance encounters, which were really God’s hands, led me to search for deeper meaning and healing in healthier ways. By God’s grace, I attended the Conversion Experience Retreat (CER) and had a deep, sincere confession after about 10 years away. I walked away with renewed conviction to deepen my faith. But this was just the beginning of my returning journey. Naturally, the spiritual high eventually waned. It was absurd to expect that I would be completely healed from just one retreat. I had even more questions and doubts, and I needed something more to sustain my faith. I was like a lost child searching for a way.

Again, by God’s grace, internet sleuthing led me to Landings. Nervous and guarded, I attended my first session alone, not knowing anyone. As I introduced myself and shared my reason for being there, I was overwhelmed and burst into tears. Week by week, my walls gradually came down. It was through the vulnerability and willingness to share, and the non-judgmental, compassionate listening amongst the group members, that I was reminded of my true identity as a child of God, even amidst my brokenness. Giving voice to what was buried inside helped me find new life and hope. 

Landings turned out to be one of my greatest blessings. It became a space where I experienced unexpected healing, personal growth, and genuine friendships. I found a community united by a shared purpose. God took my brokenness and transformed it into a testimony of His unfailing love and mercy. Through shared experiences, I am able to walk alongside those who are lost and searching. He multiplied the little gifts I have, and called me to serve in the Landings ministry. He qualifies the called. 

Truthfully, though, it is hard being a faithful practising Catholic in this changing modern world. Many times I falter and am tempted to walk away, but somehow this community pulls me back and keeps me anchored to my faith. No matter how many times we turn our backs on God, He is always waiting to welcome us back with open arms. We may be broken and think we may not have much to offer, but He will take what little we have and multiply it. God writes straight with crooked lines. Sometimes all we need to do is just show up and trust that God will take care of the rest.

Shared with love by Landings Singapore.

Also featured on CatholicStories.sg to reach more hearts in our Catholic family.