Claudia

As a cradle Catholic, I did not really enjoy or understand catechism classes. All I remember was having to wake up especially early on Sundays, and spending the next few hours in class followed by Mass. To me, being a good catholic then, meant attending Mass on Sundays and Christmas.

As a teenager, my focus and energy shifted to my studies, working part-time to fund activities and purchases that I wanted, and hanging out with friends, often till late on the weekends. Attending Mass was not a priority. And when I did, it was under my mum’s incessant nagging. None of what I encountered in church felt relevant to what I was going through, or in what I then deemed “the modern world”. I did not understand why bad things happened to me and in the world, and certainly not how prayer or attending Mass would solve anything. The un-Christian behaviour I observed, such as impatience in the carpark, gossiping, etc, especially before and after Mass, did not help. And so I drifted away. The distance grew when I started working, traveling often for work and leisure, and living my own life. When asked what my religion was, I would say that I am a TB (Temporary Believer) Catholic who only attended Christmas midnight Mass and prayed when I needed divine intervention.

Deep down, I always knew that I would return to the church one day, though I had no answer when that day would be. I believed it was more important to have faith in my heart and to live the values of a good Catholic than attending Mass, and that everything happens for a reason, even though we might not know what God’s intention is. While on a trip to Portugal and Spain in 2009, a friend who is Buddhist suggested that we do a day trip out to Fátima. As soon as I stepped on the grounds, a sense of deep serenity and peace flowed through me. It felt as though Mother Mary was calling out to me, just as my mother would call me back to the church. That day reinforced my belief that the visit to Fátima did not happen by chance. It was a calling.

14 years ago, I went through perhaps what might be regarded as a mid-life career crisis. I prayed for respite from a demanding job that, while enjoyable, was taking over my life. He responded and brought me to my current workplace where for the first time, I encountered many colleagues who are practicing Catholics. They knew I did not go to church and never made me feel any less. The turning point would be in 2023 when a close friend at work started serving in a church ministry and I got curious about what she did and how others served in their own way. She goes to a church near where I presently reside and I checked out the church’s website, wanting to find out more about what I could do too, to use my interest and skills to serve. To my delight, I found and joined the canteen ministry – where I got to feed and serve parishioners. But it stopped there. I did not have the courage to attend Mass as I had been away for so long and had ‘lost touch’ with Mass proceedings. It had also been many, many years since my last confession. I was apprehensive and ashamed of stepping into God’s house.

Divine intervention came when I was browsing the church’s website on upcoming events and saw a banner advertisement for Landings. I took a leap of faith and indicated my interest to find out more about Landings. Response to my interest came fast! Next thing I knew, I was having a kopi chat and got myself signed up for the run in the Church of the Holy Spirit. Several incidents happened after, that made me feel that I was on the right path back to Him – from getting tickets to the Papal Mass with mum and aunt on our first attempt to the fellowship that I had with my colleagues who also got the Papal Mass tickets.

Going through Landings was a much-needed step for me – the inclusive community that did not judge, the open sharings that made me feel like I was not alone, the guidance of how to stay in the faith. The process of reconciliation, attending Mass on the last day of the retreat and receiving the Eucharist again after a long time was overwhelming. The warm welcome “home” deeply touched me. The Prodigal daughter has returned.

Since the end of Landings, I continue to attend Mass and it sometimes feels like I am learning about my faith all over again. Every reading is like a new lesson, every hymn a new way to articulate how I feel. I have also realised that my prejudice for the Church was misplaced. Through the homilies especially, it is clear that the Church has moved with the times; to be more relevant and open. 

Shared with love by Landings Singapore.

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